But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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