i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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