Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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