Need sex. Gaining weight.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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