listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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