is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
