Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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