I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
