Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
