I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
