If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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