What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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