The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
