I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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