i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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