So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm too high and old for this...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
