Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
only if we run a train.
done.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
