I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
