listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Randomize
