i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
