im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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