The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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