The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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