I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
