please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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