So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
