Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My vagina just clenched in fear
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
