i think my tv is drunk
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
