I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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