grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
