I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
