Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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