fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
