FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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