it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
