I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
