Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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