What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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