I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
