I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
