thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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