my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
