I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
