i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
