So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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