Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
