you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
