eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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