Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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