He uses pillows to masturbate.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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