jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
