If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
